The Journey Begins

So, here is where we begin. I have decided to share my thoughts on GRANDMOTHER HOOD in the hopes of garnering support, soliciting advice and generally just clearing space in my mind.

Let’s start with this – Anxiety: The mixed bag of emotions bursting inside of me for the impending birth of my first grandchild.

Where do I begin. My name is Toni. Soon to be known as Noni. April 29th, the anticipated arrival date, my name and my world changes. I am thrilled beyond words and scared to death. When my Sabrina was born 33 years ago, I loved to say “they didn’t give me a handbook!” Here I am, years later, wishing for a handbook.

Will I be a great Noni? I won’t run to Marshalls and forget the baby in her crib? What if I drop her? And the worst of all, will I have to take her temperature. I had tremendous fear 33 years ago and here we go again.

Honestly, I am not a moron, and I know these things come naturally. I never dropped m y kids so why do I think I will now. Never left them at the mall by accident, although in hindsight I should have a few times. That’s another story. Yes, there were some questionable, dumb moves. More about that later. But we survived.

So here is where I begin. Third trimester and soon our bundle of joy arrives. Steve and Sabrina, I know she is going to be your baby, but I like to think she is mine too. Hence “ours.”

Right now I am fussing over a baby shower and decorating a room in my house where baby will probably not visit too often in the beginning. At least until they see I didn’t drop her. And this is time well spent. At least I am not focused on my fear.

And there is more f ear. What if she doesn’t like me. Think about it. When I was little I looked at my Aunts and thought they were so old. I scare myself when I look in the mirror. Where did Toni go. Now I will become None, wrinkles and all. Am I going to scare this young precious baby. Will she be afraid of me because my hands are old and dry. Will she think ‘who is this dinosaur?’ Will she dislike me when I tell her NO. Okay, let’s face it, I probably will never tell her No.

For now, I know these things to be true. I will love our new little lady with every drop of my heart, I will be there no matter what to help and I will not drink wine while I babysit!!!!!